I used to be light-hearted and fun-
Carefree and worry free,
Until you've seen the ugliness in this world,
Until you've known true disappointment,
Until you've known true heart break,
You won't know what it means to have a heavy heart,
To feel as though you have nothing left to give,
No joy or smiles come for free,
No carefree fun comes without suspicion.
I used to be light-hearted and fun,
Trusting and empathetic.
Now I know, I only have myself.

When we're told to find something to ground ourselves,
We try to think of moments or words spoken,
When all I needed was the song you declared for me.

My mind feels as though its tumbling down a very steep hill,
As it tumbles it goes faster and faster-
While everything else around me feels still and quiet.
It's a strange feeling.
Tumbling forward at lightning speed, picking up traction and girth.
Just for the impact to stop the boulder-
The boulder inside my mind.

It comes in waves
Some days the paranoia is strong like a hurricane,
Others the anxiety is powerful like a small wave.
You're my rainbow after the hurricane,
The beautiful shell that washes up on the beach,
You're my calm after the storm.
I can just search for your eyes and know this will pass,
It comes in waves,
So all I have to do is breathe.

The dark corner of my mind is warm and enticing.
It pulls me in like a familiar hug.
Even the slightest lingering glance entrenches me into its never ending center.
Sinking.
I got sucked in,
Unsure of how,
Yet, I'm engulfed in this empty, dark, familiar place
Falling,
With nobody to notice I'm gone.

I believe in the universe,
All the elements are working around us,
The auras, energies, and vibes,
They grace us with the ability to sense what's good for our soul,
Only for those who stop, listen, pay attention and trust the energies will you learn to align your spirit.
Then you too, will believe in the power of the universe.

People ask if I'm alright because my personality changed.
As if I'm the same person I was a month ago.
What people seem to forget is, we're like the river.
We are constantly moving and constantly changing,
Even our cells change every seven years.
We're never the same person twice
Nor do I ever wish to be.
I've just woken up and I am stronger than ever.

I did a thing today,
You're embedded in my brain as if you're apart of me.
No amount of distractions or wants will let deviate from you.
I say, I'm over it,
When the wound feels as fresh as ever.
Why won't it close?
I did a thing today,
To ease the repetitive mind,
Fully knowing how dangerous this could be.
I did a thing today,
And I know it was wrong because of how I'm beginning this segment.

Cookies

This is one of my new favorites. It made me laugh. That senseless dream was of dinosuars. I think I was being hunted by a T-Rex.

Just know when you're dead asleep in the night,
Having a senseless dream of a land of make believe
When you wake up with that sharp pain in your stomach,
Pain that let's you know to trust your gut,
Just know it's becuase...

You ate too many cookies.

You don't understand
A way of life that is hard to navigate.
You don't understand
What it means to tip-toe in all aspects.
You don't understand how to navigate the life I've been dealt.
It's easy to talk when you don't suffer the same complications.
It's easy to talk when life hasn't thrown these obstacles at you.
I'll smile and nod along.
I let you talk.
But-
You don't understand what it is to be me.

This poem came about because a friend read my stardust poem and thought I wrote starburst. As a challenge to myself, I wanted to write something pertaining to starburst as a metaphor if you will.

As we walk through life, we come across many kinds of people.
We come across many kinds of cultures.
The beauty, love and traditions are the colors of life,
And the people are the flavors,
Just like starburts,
We're all beautiful and unique
With something special to share with all.

Because of you

I think of the times we would sit by the beach and talk.
I think of the times we would hold one another close.
The shared passion and endless smiles. The joy and love that felt like home. You were a person I never thought I'd find. You were the love of my life and I was done. I was done searching, I was so happy, so content. I felt like the luckiest girl to have the best love of all. But it was all a mirage, a dark twisted lie. You gave your love away like lollipops. You treated my love like  a replaceable battery. I miss you, admittedly and I don't know why. I still can't believe how deeply you've wounded me. How deeply your betrayal has affected me. Because of you I'm afraid to let anyone in. Because of you, I'm afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Because of you, I no longer trust myself.

I never say the right thing.
Opportunities present themselves and I let them pass.
They pass right by as I stay quiet while I calculate all my possible responses.
I have so much to say.
So much to say to you.
Yet, I don't know how to articulate them.
I just have a knack for saying the wrong thing.
Instead, what I'm fearing is I'm not giving you what you need-
Acknowledgment, honesty, and my opinion.
When will I ever get it right?
I hear all of what you say,
My silence isn't disinterest,
I'm very interested, I care...
More than you'll ever know.
I want you to thrive,
I want you to soar,
I want you to have everything you could ever want.
I want you.