I have seen the Devil's face

I have seen the devil's face-
The gateway to the soul drenched in darkness-
All black-
Blacker than the soul that was there just before.
A darkness that grew larger and larger in its outward rage.
A hungry beast baring its teeth in its endeavor to quiver your very being-
Your soul
Your essence.
Ah, yes, I have seen the devil's face.
It stood before me telling me tales of becoming a satanist-
An atheist hell bent to tell thee God doesn't exist-
For where is the proof?
A soul drenched in darkness for all they have known is darkness.
An innocent soul that was violated and replaced with something much graver-
Much darker.
I have seen the devil's face.
Glimpses of an empty vessel-
No sign of any chance of a fullfilling life.
- Christina DeFelice 

Glue Trap

A small mouse caught in the glue trap
Writhing to wiggle free
Squeaking for help
A gut wrenching yearning to set him free
Yet, I'm pulled away
Told, it's too late
The writhing and squeaking stuck in my mind
Small little mouse, stuck in a glue trap
Letting the terror of what's to come sink in.
People walking by,
No heart to free you.
Stuck in glue-
Awaiting a cruel, inhumane death. 

Pre-Op Thoughts

Hello, a quick note from me before the lines I intend to share. I tend to post my poems in chunks at a time- the reason being is I tend to write them and compile them through a series of weeks or months then just unload them here when I have the free time. Months of processing what goes on or how I am getting the unnerving thoughts out are the results here. Hope it resonates with you all! Happy Reading!



The phone rang,
I was falling asleep,
Quiet, comfortable in my dark room.
But the phone rang-
My body jerked up and snatched the phone in less than a second.
855... Missed call.
I hoped it was you.
God, how I hoped it was you
My heart pounding,
Mind racing,
Laying there, trying to become comfortable once again.

Midnight Thoughts

Every time the phone rings with a number I don't know, I hope it's you.
With every voicemail I receive, I listen intently for your voice.
I keep wishing, hoping and praying for that call or voicemail from you telling me you miss me and you're trying to get home to me.
But that's all it is-
Wishing,
Hoping,
And praying.

Lies I tell myself pt. 4

I realized something today.
I'm holding onto you when you have given me nothing.
I'm trying to convey to another hurt woman how communication should be cherished.
That I don't understand how people can be so unhappy with what they've got because I had a girlfriend who left to another state and I have radio silence.
In trying to express how any amount of communication should be cherished, I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
In that moment, I let you go-
Because you've already let me go.

Lies I tell myself pt. 3

Thank you,
Thank you for constantly leaving,
Thank you for never keeping your word.
Thank you for showing me the monster you can become.
Thank you for forcing me into a place of pure uncomfortability.
Thank you for wasting my time.
And lastly,
Thank you for forcing me to move on and grow up.

She grabs her face, leans in and kisses her. She pulls away softly to whisper. "You are the light of my life."

What I Mean Is

When I say I love you,
I mean, I love who you are.
The person who smiles so bright,
The person who cares so much,
The person who is so troubled yet so beautiful.
When I say I'm in love with you,
I'm saying all your mistakes, bad days and sleepless nights of our silence is forgiven.
I'm saying above all, none of that will matter because all that matters is you and I.
When I say I'm in love with you,
I'm saying, I'm not just here for the good parts
I'm here for the bad and I'm here to stay.

Lies I tell myself pt. 2

My heart no longer breaks.
The pain is becoming so regular that I don't even notice how it aches.
An ache that feels as though my heart is swelling with joy and is being squished and drained of all elated emotion.
My heart no longer breaks because you have obliterated everything that was left.
The pieces that remain still love you.
They will always hold you dear.
But you, you broke my trust along with any and all hope for the future we planned.
Unless, you're willing to fight and finally choose me, this cannot be saved.
My heart no longer breaks,
Because you have broken everything decent that was left of me.

Lies I tell myself pt. 1

All the while I curse the Gods for bestowing heartache.
All the while I wonder why they have led me back to my dream.
All the while I effortlessly give my love and trust away
Taking too long to realize-
They have bestowed a gift upon me.
A gift I've long prayed for.
They have not given you to me for us to rebuild.
They have given me clarity I once sought after.
They have given me a chance to see that although I love with everything I am, that you in fact are not the future in which I embark on.
They have given me closure.

The truth I hold inside

If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.
I can still feel the excitement of you walking into the kitchen and grabbing my face to kiss me.
Nothing extraordinary about that moment other than a moment of pure undiluted love.
I can still feel the butterflies I get every time you looked at me in that way that you do and how your voice sounds when you tell me you love me.
I can still feel the abrupt nervousness I would get when you spoke about marriage and children.
Oh, how I wanted that life.
I can still see that adorable look you gave me when you hurt your arm and I was taking care of you.
I can feel the absence of you like I'm missing a limb.
I can feel the pain of missing you in every molecule of my being.
You're forever etched into my brain that no amount of shaking will erase.
If all I have is the memory of the grandest love and the grandest loss, then what was it all for?
Am I sorely mistaken on what's transpired?
If so, please come correct me because...
If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.

Even still, I wait.
Hoping to hear your voice in every voicemail,
Knowing it won't come.
Even still, I wait.

I used to be light-hearted and fun-
Carefree and worry free,
Until you've seen the ugliness in this world,
Until you've known true disappointment,
Until you've known true heart break,
You won't know what it means to have a heavy heart,
To feel as though you have nothing left to give,
No joy or smiles come for free,
No carefree fun comes without suspicion.
I used to be light-hearted and fun,
Trusting and empathetic.
Now I know, I only have myself.

When we're told to find something to ground ourselves,
We try to think of moments or words spoken,
When all I needed was the song you declared for me.

My mind feels as though its tumbling down a very steep hill,
As it tumbles it goes faster and faster-
While everything else around me feels still and quiet.
It's a strange feeling.
Tumbling forward at lightning speed, picking up traction and girth.
Just for the impact to stop the boulder-
The boulder inside my mind.

It comes in waves
Some days the paranoia is strong like a hurricane,
Others the anxiety is powerful like a small wave.
You're my rainbow after the hurricane,
The beautiful shell that washes up on the beach,
You're my calm after the storm.
I can just search for your eyes and know this will pass,
It comes in waves,
So all I have to do is breathe.

The dark corner of my mind is warm and enticing.
It pulls me in like a familiar hug.
Even the slightest lingering glance entrenches me into its never ending center.
Sinking.
I got sucked in,
Unsure of how,
Yet, I'm engulfed in this empty, dark, familiar place
Falling,
With nobody to notice I'm gone.

I believe in the universe,
All the elements are working around us,
The auras, energies, and vibes,
They grace us with the ability to sense what's good for our soul,
Only for those who stop, listen, pay attention and trust the energies will you learn to align your spirit.
Then you too, will believe in the power of the universe.

People ask if I'm alright because my personality changed.
As if I'm the same person I was a month ago.
What people seem to forget is, we're like the river.
We are constantly moving and constantly changing,
Even our cells change every seven years.
We're never the same person twice
Nor do I ever wish to be.
I've just woken up and I am stronger than ever.

Cookies

This is one of my new favorites. It made me laugh. That senseless dream was of dinosuars. I think I was being hunted by a T-Rex.

Just know when you're dead asleep in the night,
Having a senseless dream of a land of make believe
When you wake up with that sharp pain in your stomach,
Pain that let's you know to trust your gut,
Just know it's becuase...

You ate too many cookies.