Glue Trap

A small mouse caught in the glue trap
Writhing to wiggle free
Squeaking for help
A gut wrenching yearning to set him free
Yet, I'm pulled away
Told, it's too late
The writhing and squeaking stuck in my mind
Small little mouse, stuck in a glue trap
Letting the terror of what's to come sink in.
People walking by,
No heart to free you.
Stuck in glue-
Awaiting a cruel, inhumane death. 

Pre-Op Thoughts

Hello, a quick note from me before the lines I intend to share. I tend to post my poems in chunks at a time- the reason being is I tend to write them and compile them through a series of weeks or months then just unload them here when I have the free time. Months of processing what goes on or how I am getting the unnerving thoughts out are the results here. Hope it resonates with you all! Happy Reading!



The phone rang,
I was falling asleep,
Quiet, comfortable in my dark room.
But the phone rang-
My body jerked up and snatched the phone in less than a second.
855... Missed call.
I hoped it was you.
God, how I hoped it was you
My heart pounding,
Mind racing,
Laying there, trying to become comfortable once again.

Midnight Thoughts

Every time the phone rings with a number I don't know, I hope it's you.
With every voicemail I receive, I listen intently for your voice.
I keep wishing, hoping and praying for that call or voicemail from you telling me you miss me and you're trying to get home to me.
But that's all it is-
Wishing,
Hoping,
And praying.

Lies I tell myself pt. 4

I realized something today.
I'm holding onto you when you have given me nothing.
I'm trying to convey to another hurt woman how communication should be cherished.
That I don't understand how people can be so unhappy with what they've got because I had a girlfriend who left to another state and I have radio silence.
In trying to express how any amount of communication should be cherished, I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
In that moment, I let you go-
Because you've already let me go.

Lies I tell myself pt. 1

All the while I curse the Gods for bestowing heartache.
All the while I wonder why they have led me back to my dream.
All the while I effortlessly give my love and trust away
Taking too long to realize-
They have bestowed a gift upon me.
A gift I've long prayed for.
They have not given you to me for us to rebuild.
They have given me clarity I once sought after.
They have given me a chance to see that although I love with everything I am, that you in fact are not the future in which I embark on.
They have given me closure.

The truth I hold inside

If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.
I can still feel the excitement of you walking into the kitchen and grabbing my face to kiss me.
Nothing extraordinary about that moment other than a moment of pure undiluted love.
I can still feel the butterflies I get every time you looked at me in that way that you do and how your voice sounds when you tell me you love me.
I can still feel the abrupt nervousness I would get when you spoke about marriage and children.
Oh, how I wanted that life.
I can still see that adorable look you gave me when you hurt your arm and I was taking care of you.
I can feel the absence of you like I'm missing a limb.
I can feel the pain of missing you in every molecule of my being.
You're forever etched into my brain that no amount of shaking will erase.
If all I have is the memory of the grandest love and the grandest loss, then what was it all for?
Am I sorely mistaken on what's transpired?
If so, please come correct me because...
If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.

It comes in waves
Some days the paranoia is strong like a hurricane,
Others the anxiety is powerful like a small wave.
You're my rainbow after the hurricane,
The beautiful shell that washes up on the beach,
You're my calm after the storm.
I can just search for your eyes and know this will pass,
It comes in waves,
So all I have to do is breathe.

I believe in the universe,
All the elements are working around us,
The auras, energies, and vibes,
They grace us with the ability to sense what's good for our soul,
Only for those who stop, listen, pay attention and trust the energies will you learn to align your spirit.
Then you too, will believe in the power of the universe.

People ask if I'm alright because my personality changed.
As if I'm the same person I was a month ago.
What people seem to forget is, we're like the river.
We are constantly moving and constantly changing,
Even our cells change every seven years.
We're never the same person twice
Nor do I ever wish to be.
I've just woken up and I am stronger than ever.

I did a thing today,
You're embedded in my brain as if you're apart of me.
No amount of distractions or wants will let deviate from you.
I say, I'm over it,
When the wound feels as fresh as ever.
Why won't it close?
I did a thing today,
To ease the repetitive mind,
Fully knowing how dangerous this could be.
I did a thing today,
And I know it was wrong because of how I'm beginning this segment.

This poem came about because a friend read my stardust poem and thought I wrote starburst. As a challenge to myself, I wanted to write something pertaining to starburst as a metaphor if you will.

As we walk through life, we come across many kinds of people.
We come across many kinds of cultures.
The beauty, love and traditions are the colors of life,
And the people are the flavors,
Just like starburts,
We're all beautiful and unique
With something special to share with all.

Because of you

I think of the times we would sit by the beach and talk.
I think of the times we would hold one another close.
The shared passion and endless smiles. The joy and love that felt like home. You were a person I never thought I'd find. You were the love of my life and I was done. I was done searching, I was so happy, so content. I felt like the luckiest girl to have the best love of all. But it was all a mirage, a dark twisted lie. You gave your love away like lollipops. You treated my love like  a replaceable battery. I miss you, admittedly and I don't know why. I still can't believe how deeply you've wounded me. How deeply your betrayal has affected me. Because of you I'm afraid to let anyone in. Because of you, I'm afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Because of you, I no longer trust myself.

I never say the right thing.
Opportunities present themselves and I let them pass.
They pass right by as I stay quiet while I calculate all my possible responses.
I have so much to say.
So much to say to you.
Yet, I don't know how to articulate them.
I just have a knack for saying the wrong thing.
Instead, what I'm fearing is I'm not giving you what you need-
Acknowledgment, honesty, and my opinion.
When will I ever get it right?
I hear all of what you say,
My silence isn't disinterest,
I'm very interested, I care...
More than you'll ever know.
I want you to thrive,
I want you to soar,
I want you to have everything you could ever want.
I want you.

Do you know what it's like to lie awake at night?
Unable to do something that is so natural to us.
Lying in the dark as your mind swirls,
Having a night of self-reflection doesn't bode well for a tired body-
A tired mind.
Worrying over frivoulous matters,
Worrying over things that matter,
Worrying over everything.
Yet, in the same breath, you could care less.
Lack of sleep can do that to you,
Alter you rmind,
Turn it against you,
Making you your own worst enemy.

Sleepless World

Heavy eyes,
Going through each day with forced smiles,
Forced energy.
A sleepless world-
Swirling around a drain,
Going with the motion of the tide,
Fighting the current-
Ending up with even heavier eyes and a maladjusted mind.

We are Stardust

We are all made of stardust.
Molded from the universe itself,
Shaped and formed from the same matter of the moon and the stars.
The beauty we see within space is a beauty within us all.
We mustn't ever forget that.
We must listen to nature and appreciate all the beauty that is around.

The eyes I look through are tainted.
Tainted by all the lies and deceit.
Tainted by all the chaos that ensues all around.
Sure, we're all alive
But are any of us truly living?
Bobbing and weaving the muck of agony.
Bobbing and weaving the seas of disappointment,
Hoping not to drown in the despair of what we call life. 

Having that internal battle of what you know is best vs what you think you want.
Having those thoughts that bounce back and forth like a ping pong ball.
Questioning the fairness of life,
Questioning all of life's logic,
Questioning the now.
Will things ever work out the way I'd like, just once?
Circling these thoughts and shoving them into a box.
The box of the unknown.
The box of repression.
Forget all the sourness of life.
Powering through and moving forward.
For if I don't-
Then the unpleasant beast will skulk around,
The beast that is fed by over thinking.
The beast that beats down any semblance of self.
Shove the thoughts back in the box.
Lock it up nice and tight.
Now, lay your head down to rest. 

The creative lake in which I dip my feet is empty.
No muse or inspiration,
Life is trying to ground me,
Making room growth,
Trying to recenter oneself and seek peace.
Separation from others is vital,
Recharge,
All creative spark stripped away by burdens of life,
Stressors of life,
Realizing I'm too real for the real world.
People ask for truth, but that's not what they seek,
People want to stroke their ego instead of finding peace.

The air choking me
Water threatening to surface behind my eyes
Anger heating its way up and through my body
Not even a chance a smile will cross this face
It's not jealousy
But a new wave of disbelief.
I'm trying to figure out who's the bigger fool,
Is it you or can it be me?