Lies I tell myself pt. 3

Thank you,
Thank you for constantly leaving,
Thank you for never keeping your word.
Thank you for showing me the monster you can become.
Thank you for forcing me into a place of pure uncomfortability.
Thank you for wasting my time.
And lastly,
Thank you for forcing me to move on and grow up.

What I Mean Is

When I say I love you,
I mean, I love who you are.
The person who smiles so bright,
The person who cares so much,
The person who is so troubled yet so beautiful.
When I say I'm in love with you,
I'm saying all your mistakes, bad days and sleepless nights of our silence is forgiven.
I'm saying above all, none of that will matter because all that matters is you and I.
When I say I'm in love with you,
I'm saying, I'm not just here for the good parts
I'm here for the bad and I'm here to stay.

Lies I tell myself pt. 2

My heart no longer breaks.
The pain is becoming so regular that I don't even notice how it aches.
An ache that feels as though my heart is swelling with joy and is being squished and drained of all elated emotion.
My heart no longer breaks because you have obliterated everything that was left.
The pieces that remain still love you.
They will always hold you dear.
But you, you broke my trust along with any and all hope for the future we planned.
Unless, you're willing to fight and finally choose me, this cannot be saved.
My heart no longer breaks,
Because you have broken everything decent that was left of me.

Lies I tell myself pt. 1

All the while I curse the Gods for bestowing heartache.
All the while I wonder why they have led me back to my dream.
All the while I effortlessly give my love and trust away
Taking too long to realize-
They have bestowed a gift upon me.
A gift I've long prayed for.
They have not given you to me for us to rebuild.
They have given me clarity I once sought after.
They have given me a chance to see that although I love with everything I am, that you in fact are not the future in which I embark on.
They have given me closure.

The truth I hold inside

If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.
I can still feel the excitement of you walking into the kitchen and grabbing my face to kiss me.
Nothing extraordinary about that moment other than a moment of pure undiluted love.
I can still feel the butterflies I get every time you looked at me in that way that you do and how your voice sounds when you tell me you love me.
I can still feel the abrupt nervousness I would get when you spoke about marriage and children.
Oh, how I wanted that life.
I can still see that adorable look you gave me when you hurt your arm and I was taking care of you.
I can feel the absence of you like I'm missing a limb.
I can feel the pain of missing you in every molecule of my being.
You're forever etched into my brain that no amount of shaking will erase.
If all I have is the memory of the grandest love and the grandest loss, then what was it all for?
Am I sorely mistaken on what's transpired?
If so, please come correct me because...
If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.

Even still, I wait.
Hoping to hear your voice in every voicemail,
Knowing it won't come.
Even still, I wait.

I did a thing today,
You're embedded in my brain as if you're apart of me.
No amount of distractions or wants will let deviate from you.
I say, I'm over it,
When the wound feels as fresh as ever.
Why won't it close?
I did a thing today,
To ease the repetitive mind,
Fully knowing how dangerous this could be.
I did a thing today,
And I know it was wrong because of how I'm beginning this segment.

Because of you

I think of the times we would sit by the beach and talk.
I think of the times we would hold one another close.
The shared passion and endless smiles. The joy and love that felt like home. You were a person I never thought I'd find. You were the love of my life and I was done. I was done searching, I was so happy, so content. I felt like the luckiest girl to have the best love of all. But it was all a mirage, a dark twisted lie. You gave your love away like lollipops. You treated my love like  a replaceable battery. I miss you, admittedly and I don't know why. I still can't believe how deeply you've wounded me. How deeply your betrayal has affected me. Because of you I'm afraid to let anyone in. Because of you, I'm afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Because of you, I no longer trust myself.

Hello! I have not abandoneed my page, I promise; everything has been hectic with me being back in school. I have some new verses/poems I've been playing around with. A lot of them derive from fleeting thoughts in a moment that drive an emotion, even if it's brief. Usually I just focus on that emotion and dig deeper into it, it's a form of self-reflection, reflecting on the past, or it's based on a character in a story I'm putting together. Feel free to check them out. Thanks for reading !


My eyes still search for you
As if to prove the eviction of you from my soul.
To prove to myself that you didn't affect me.
When the truth inside is clear as day.
I can't evict what changed the very nature of who I am,
My world darkened,
Turning soft edges into rigid corners,
A trusting soul twisted into something that questions everything.
My eyes still search for you
To prove you no longer have a hold on me,
The very person who saved and destroyed me all the same,
The person who showed me a future only to tear it away.
My eyes still search for you,
Only to have proof of what I already know.

She's quiet.
She's discrete.
Afraid to get too close,
For everything falls to pieces.
The words 'I love you' were uttered time and time again,
Yet, they fail to exude meaning.
You love to love, love
Without ever knowing what love really is.
The emptiness of your words were so vast that they had me searching for their meaning,
It was never found,
Just a pool of emptiness at my feet.

Novel #1 Preface (Entirety)

Hey guys! So, I decided to do something special. I wanted to post a lengthier post. With the help of a friend of mine, I picked my very first novel and the very first chapter. This is the novel that started my love of writing when I was 17years old. It's in need of a major rework but it still has its very own story to tell. The title is also being rethought; currently it's 'Bittersweet Moments'

I also plan on posting excerpts from short stories as well, giving you all a taste of writing styles within different genres. Enjoy and keep an eye out for the posts!! =) Feel free to leave your comments below as well!

Below is a link to the Preface of the novel I am currently focusing on. It's a horror novel that I am partial to! Love the intro!
http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2015-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2016-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=27

Preface

The thought of killing another person never crossed my mind. The idea of harming another person made me cringe; it was inconceivable to even imagine. All that is running through my head now is how I could get out of this situation. Do I stop running for my life and just forfeit it? Do I keep running until I hit safety? Or do I try to kill my attacker?

I have never been so overwhelmed with emotion before. As I’m running my mind is racing, I didn’t even notice that I was crying and shaking. No one is around. Where is everyone? Why is this happening? Why me? The irony of this was I knew why.

As I’m running, harder than anyone has ever run before, I realized that I wasn’t getting out of this predicament without a fight. One may be enticed by the idea of a fight. One may even give up and try to hide. I on the other hand had no idea as to what I was going to do.

I was so frazzled. I kept thinking about the things I was about to lose. Those things kept me going, to save my life. I had to; I’m not a quitter; why would I give up now? Others may become weakened by the problem or feel helpless, but it only strengthened me.

           If I gave up I would be leaving behind my dad, my brother, my friends, Jeffrey and Clarisse even Tanya. These are the five people I loved the most and I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave them, not yet. It’s them I’m running towards. After this past year, I deserved a little happiness. Quitting isn’t the answer. What do I do?           

            Breathlessly running I came to a sudden halt. I saw an alley ahead of me, it was dark. I ran into the alley and hid behind some trash cans. There was a slight opening. I crouched down and peeped through the opening. There was certain serenity about this moment. It was unbelievable and remarkable that in this particular moment- I felt safe.

As I’m kneeling behind the trash cans I observed my surroundings. I must have passed at least a dozen alleys and I clearly picked the darkest one I could find. On the left of the brick building wall was a dim lantern light. It barely gave off any sort of light, but it was enough to see. There were big water puddles everywhere. Against the building on the left were a couple of dumpsters, adjacent to them were empty cardboard boxes and a very big pile of metal pipes. Some of the pipes were very long and some short, others were thicker while some were thin.

The alley was long and dark; it resembled something out of a scary movie. There was water dripping from the fire escapes. It was dark and the wind seemed to echo. Along with the buildings on the left and right of me were fire escapes; There wasn’t a trace of light emerging from anywhere. Broken glass grounded my feet. The broken glass came from several of the windows on the building. They were probably old apartment buildings.

Someone’s footsteps came to an abrupt halt for about a minute. Then they began again and grew louder with each step. Tip tap, tip tap. The footsteps were slow and it was the most terrifying sound anyone could hear in this moment. They stopped. He walked across the alley and bent down. Some metal clinked and clanked. He picked up a very big metal pipe, and then he slowly stood up straight and proceeded to walk slowly toward me. Tip tap, tip tap.

I glanced down at the gun I was holding and started to think. Do I have it in me? This man was about to beat me to death. It was an obvious decision, but I was shaking so badly my heart felt like it was about to rip through my chest. It was so loud I thought he heard it. I watched through the trashcans and saw him walking slowly towards me. How does he know I came down this alley? I passed at least a dozen of them. He was about a hundred feet away from me.

His face was so visible to me; his piercing blue eyes were wild. His stature looked increasingly larger than normal. He had the ugliest grin on his face. His mouth was curled into an evil concocted smile. It was the face of a killer and I knew my number was up. The feeling of safety quickly dissipated. He walked about another fifty feet and stopped by the empty cardboard boxes alongside the dumpster. He then began twirling and spinning the metal pipe. His muscular arms did it quickly and violently.

He stopped and smiled like an animal about to attack its prey. He tilted his head and looked in my direction. Oh no, he sees me. That’s all I could think. He laughed a low giggle and stepped back. This gesture confused me. Why is he backing up? Does he think I’m still running? What is he doing? He’s playing mind games I know it; he’s trying to scare me. I was trying to rationalize with myself.

“Oh Annie, you’re quite the runner” my attacker said and he continued to speak.

“Why don’t you save yourself the agonizing minutes of torture of whether I’m going to find you or not, and just come out? I know that you know I am going to find you.” He said very confidently.

What do I do? Should I try to bolt? Do I stay here? Do I force myself to shoot him? Do I come out and try to reason, if I do will he listen? Questioning myself wasn’t making me feel much better and it certainly wasn’t helping. I have to kill him. It was the only way. I looked up and he was at least ten feet closer. My heart stopped and I clenched the gun harder. My hands were so sweaty and clammy. He shook his head disapprovingly and took a few steps towards me.

Suddenly, I jumped up. It was a reflex reaction. We were in visual range of one another. I looked at him and saw the surprise in his face. Maybe he didn’t know where I was and he was bluffing. He looks too surprised. His smile returned. It occurred to me that I just handed myself to him on a silver platter. He took a few more steps towards me. His pace was much quicker; it was like a jogger about to jet off. Then I drew the gun and pointed it violently and sternly towards him. He stopped for one moment and one moment only. He looked at me with delighted surprise. I eased a little and then suddenly he lunged at me.

You taste like peace with a hint of devastation.
You sound like innocence on top of your cruelty.
The kindness is a façade while the devil dwells within-
Roaming your halls like an old friend who feels welcomed.
Tearing down whatever walls of goodness are left,
Ensuring your body and soul are encased in a hell of its own.
A hell where destruction is all you know, while you smile radiantly,
Speak with your silk tongue and soothing voice,
Until it's too late to finally meet the devil behind the mask.

I see the couple sitting there,
In silence-
They only speak up when yelling.
Yet, they hold hands and spend bounds of time with one another.
Is that what love is,
Or do you whisper sweet nothings to one another before you close your eyes.
Do you ever tell one another how much you adore one another,
Or is it simply that the nightly embrace is comfort enough to reassure a love long lost?

The thing about being in love is it hits you like a drug.
That person becomes such an integral part of your life,
The very peace you breathe in,
Making you feel untouchable-
On top of the world.
You never realize how much you crave the presence of that person until they're gone.
Now all you're left with is true pain,
Pain that leaves you with a gaping hole inside,
Pain that leaves you giving up on everything,
Pushing everyone away
Without your conscience consent.
Leaving you feeling-
Empty and lost..

There was once a man who loved a woman more than his own life and she loved him just the same. One day a merchant from an unknown village visits their ground and he for selfish reasons fell for her too. Though she did not feel the same, she feared the merchant.

The merchant threatened the one she loved, if she did not swear to be his. She reluctantly agreed, she cried for her love, tearing her soul in two while tearing his apart.

For months they lived without one another. Until, one day they could bare it no more. Thus, began their own love affair. Everyday was a beautiful rejoice, no matter how brief.

Until one unfaithful evening the merchant grew suspicious and followed her. He caught them in an embrace and revealed himself as the evil sorcerer he truly was. In a fit of rage he banished his beloved prize and turned her into the night skies moon. He turned the man he envied into a lone wolf to roam the land.

The evil merchant has finished his business and moved onto the next village. Meanwhile, here, every evening the wolf cries out to the moon. Looking and crying out to his love; shining bright and beautiful in the sky above, never able to touch her again.

Dreams are meant to be a world of escape
A world that releases you from your daily torment-
A world where, even for a little while,
You can be anywhere and do anything.
My dreams are not sweet escapes
Rather a world where the torment only follows
I bare the pain and betrayal in my consciousness
I face it in my sleep-
A place that's supposed to be nothing but sweet release,
Has become twisted and doomed.
How am I supposed to move on when you haunt my dreams with the very lies I've discovered?
I see the truth in my dreams,
I feel my heart ache for you,
Even in my dreams you're no longer mine.

The cool wind effortlessly moves about with whimsical delicacy.
Forcing the cascading leaves to dance through the air with beauty and grace.
The cool wind turns frigid,
Turning the cool breezes into sensations of frozen knives.
The dancing leaves no longer whimsical
Rather,
Panicked and fleeing from the inevitable seasons turn.
A once calm, vibrant, colorful forest,
Temporarily turned, dark, hallow, and harsh
Undoubtedly awaiting the next seasons turn.

The soul bellows inside its human encasing,
Writhing in agony at the decisions of the heart and the mind,
The soul used to watch as the heart and the mind battled it out over their false notions of love,
Leaving the heart sad and the mind to grow wiser.
The soul has even seen the heart begin to shatter, and still it lay dormant and only whispered,
"This is not the one to be hurt over."
And still the heart shattered, knowing the souls truth.
This time,
The heart is keeping quiet- afraid to speak up,
The mind is thinking
Making the decisions as the heart helplessly agrees,
The soul chimes in where it never does, wailing
Causing a new confusion,
Bellowing in agony deep inside its human thoracic cavity,
Trying to convince the mind and heart not to be so blind, not to give up that this is who they're waiting for.
The bellowing is so deep,
So raw,
So loud,
The soul can't understand why no one hears its pleas.
The soul wants to be ripped out of its human prison to race to its home.
The mind and the heart sit in a wallowing coldness,
Listening to the souls pleas,
Unable to mute the cries.

She walked to the cliff's edge-
Crumbled to her knees.
She looked up to the moon,
With tears in her eyes-
She sucked in a sharp breath of cold air as she pleaded to the stars.

I need to stop being a bleeding heart-
A bleeding heart has never saved anyone-
..Only killed them.