Lies I tell myself pt. 1

All the while I curse the Gods for bestowing heartache.
All the while I wonder why they have led me back to my dream.
All the while I effortlessly give my love and trust away
Taking too long to realize-
They have bestowed a gift upon me.
A gift I've long prayed for.
They have not given you to me for us to rebuild.
They have given me clarity I once sought after.
They have given me a chance to see that although I love with everything I am, that you in fact are not the future in which I embark on.
They have given me closure.

The truth I hold inside

If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.
I can still feel the excitement of you walking into the kitchen and grabbing my face to kiss me.
Nothing extraordinary about that moment other than a moment of pure undiluted love.
I can still feel the butterflies I get every time you looked at me in that way that you do and how your voice sounds when you tell me you love me.
I can still feel the abrupt nervousness I would get when you spoke about marriage and children.
Oh, how I wanted that life.
I can still see that adorable look you gave me when you hurt your arm and I was taking care of you.
I can feel the absence of you like I'm missing a limb.
I can feel the pain of missing you in every molecule of my being.
You're forever etched into my brain that no amount of shaking will erase.
If all I have is the memory of the grandest love and the grandest loss, then what was it all for?
Am I sorely mistaken on what's transpired?
If so, please come correct me because...
If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.

Because of you

I think of the times we would sit by the beach and talk.
I think of the times we would hold one another close.
The shared passion and endless smiles. The joy and love that felt like home. You were a person I never thought I'd find. You were the love of my life and I was done. I was done searching, I was so happy, so content. I felt like the luckiest girl to have the best love of all. But it was all a mirage, a dark twisted lie. You gave your love away like lollipops. You treated my love like  a replaceable battery. I miss you, admittedly and I don't know why. I still can't believe how deeply you've wounded me. How deeply your betrayal has affected me. Because of you I'm afraid to let anyone in. Because of you, I'm afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Because of you, I no longer trust myself.

The eyes I look through are tainted.
Tainted by all the lies and deceit.
Tainted by all the chaos that ensues all around.
Sure, we're all alive
But are any of us truly living?
Bobbing and weaving the muck of agony.
Bobbing and weaving the seas of disappointment,
Hoping not to drown in the despair of what we call life. 

Having that internal battle of what you know is best vs what you think you want.
Having those thoughts that bounce back and forth like a ping pong ball.
Questioning the fairness of life,
Questioning all of life's logic,
Questioning the now.
Will things ever work out the way I'd like, just once?
Circling these thoughts and shoving them into a box.
The box of the unknown.
The box of repression.
Forget all the sourness of life.
Powering through and moving forward.
For if I don't-
Then the unpleasant beast will skulk around,
The beast that is fed by over thinking.
The beast that beats down any semblance of self.
Shove the thoughts back in the box.
Lock it up nice and tight.
Now, lay your head down to rest. 

The creative lake in which I dip my feet is empty.
No muse or inspiration,
Life is trying to ground me,
Making room growth,
Trying to recenter oneself and seek peace.
Separation from others is vital,
Recharge,
All creative spark stripped away by burdens of life,
Stressors of life,
Realizing I'm too real for the real world.
People ask for truth, but that's not what they seek,
People want to stroke their ego instead of finding peace.

The air choking me
Water threatening to surface behind my eyes
Anger heating its way up and through my body
Not even a chance a smile will cross this face
It's not jealousy
But a new wave of disbelief.
I'm trying to figure out who's the bigger fool,
Is it you or can it be me? 

She's quiet.
She's discrete.
Afraid to get too close,
For everything falls to pieces.
The words 'I love you' were uttered time and time again,
Yet, they fail to exude meaning.
You love to love, love
Without ever knowing what love really is.
The emptiness of your words were so vast that they had me searching for their meaning,
It was never found,
Just a pool of emptiness at my feet.

Excerpt #7 and #8 -Short Story-- The Relished Touch

Happy Holidays Everyone!! Here are the next two installations. I hope you're all enjoying the progression of the story.

Links of Story (In order):

http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/2016/11/excerpt1-from-short-story-relished-touch.html

http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/2016/11/hey-so-im-day-late-it-seems.html

http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/2016/11/excerpt-3-and-4-short-story-relished.html

http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/2016/12/excerpt-5-and-6-short-story-relished.html

     

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            He has been living like a caged animal. Tied up, force fed and unable to speak. His drive to live had diminished. A spectacular shot to his vertebrae was all that was needed. Seeming like he was dead, he had laid there for hours; just bleeding and bleeding while the police took their time. He knew he was unimportant to them. He was finally swept away taken to his new home.

              For the long nine years David has wished to die. On several occasions, he should have. He has had heart attacks and multiple organ failures and every time the doctors revive him. He wished he could sign a DNR, he wants this nightmare to end. Man is not supposed to live unable to speak, or move. He cannot control who he meets or whom takes care of him. He cannot ask questions about the new world around him. He must remain ignorant.  He could never go find a companion; someone who shared the same interests as he did. Sure, he’s been in love many times- but everyone has. Let’s face it. Anytime people have a genuine connection to someone they fall in love a little bit. No one will ever admit it though.

              That was the main difference between David and everyone else. He lived in the now. He wasn’t afraid to seize the day. He didn’t confine himself to rules and restrictions. He was completely and utterly inhibited and instinctual, almost primal. He missed the old days where he could live freely. See a pretty girl, schmooze her up, give her a special drink and take her home. Ahh, those were the good ol’ days.

              Shelly, finished taking his blood pressure and lowered the guard rail on the bed. She noticed he was still restrained to the rail so she lifted it back up. She sighed in frustration. “What happened to you?” She knew his eyes were focused on her. She wracked her brain on all the possibilities. Why would they restrain someone who is completely immobile? What is the purpose? Does he have psychiatric history? Was he a violent patient? Is he a criminal? Was he suicidal? She wanted to ask but she found it in bad to taste to ask her mute patient to move his eyeballs to these questions. “I normally make it a point to know who my patients are Mr. Clark. Would you find it rude if I asked?” She asked. What harm could this do? Who’s he going to tell? She looked at David and he moved his eyeballs left to right twice suggesting ‘No, I don’t mind’.

“Were you in the psychiatric ward?” She probed.

David moved his eyeballs once. Yes

 “You were. Okay, Were you suicidal?”

He moved his eyeballs twice. No, dear. Never run from one’s troubles.

“Okay, that’s a good thing… Psychiatric ward. Psychiatric ward. Um, did you have a mental illness?”

No movement. What’s your definition of mental illness, love?

“Okay, I won’t ask that again. Touchy subject I suppose. Did you commit a crime?” She asked with worry.

David moved his eyes once. Yes, I did, love.

Shelly’s pupils dilated as her fear grew. “Robbery?” Her voice was growing smaller.

He moved his eyes twice. No.

She stood up and paced a bit. “I shouldn’t be asking. I’m sorry to intrude. All your meds have been dispensed. It’s time for your rotation. She picked up the remote at the side of the bed. Panic and worry spread across her face like it was the newest lipstick. Some male care givers came in helped her turn him over. She looked down and saw his piercing brown eyes burn right through her. He could sense she wanted to cry, scream, or hide from him- and he loved every minute of it. They began to wheel him out of the room. They wheeled him over to the elevator and awaited its opening. MRI time for Mr. David Clark. Shelly stopped asking questions, she must take care of her patient unabashedly, ignorance is bliss in her opinion. She need not to know more than what he has revealed. They reached the floor and wheeled him to the room with the MRI machine. The doctor was in there already waiting and prepping the area. The male nurses and Shelly transferred the patient, Mr. Clark, onto the MRI bed. The testing began.

Novel #1 Preface (Entirety)

Hey guys! So, I decided to do something special. I wanted to post a lengthier post. With the help of a friend of mine, I picked my very first novel and the very first chapter. This is the novel that started my love of writing when I was 17years old. It's in need of a major rework but it still has its very own story to tell. The title is also being rethought; currently it's 'Bittersweet Moments'

I also plan on posting excerpts from short stories as well, giving you all a taste of writing styles within different genres. Enjoy and keep an eye out for the posts!! =) Feel free to leave your comments below as well!

Below is a link to the Preface of the novel I am currently focusing on. It's a horror novel that I am partial to! Love the intro!
http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2015-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2016-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=27

Preface

The thought of killing another person never crossed my mind. The idea of harming another person made me cringe; it was inconceivable to even imagine. All that is running through my head now is how I could get out of this situation. Do I stop running for my life and just forfeit it? Do I keep running until I hit safety? Or do I try to kill my attacker?

I have never been so overwhelmed with emotion before. As I’m running my mind is racing, I didn’t even notice that I was crying and shaking. No one is around. Where is everyone? Why is this happening? Why me? The irony of this was I knew why.

As I’m running, harder than anyone has ever run before, I realized that I wasn’t getting out of this predicament without a fight. One may be enticed by the idea of a fight. One may even give up and try to hide. I on the other hand had no idea as to what I was going to do.

I was so frazzled. I kept thinking about the things I was about to lose. Those things kept me going, to save my life. I had to; I’m not a quitter; why would I give up now? Others may become weakened by the problem or feel helpless, but it only strengthened me.

           If I gave up I would be leaving behind my dad, my brother, my friends, Jeffrey and Clarisse even Tanya. These are the five people I loved the most and I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave them, not yet. It’s them I’m running towards. After this past year, I deserved a little happiness. Quitting isn’t the answer. What do I do?           

            Breathlessly running I came to a sudden halt. I saw an alley ahead of me, it was dark. I ran into the alley and hid behind some trash cans. There was a slight opening. I crouched down and peeped through the opening. There was certain serenity about this moment. It was unbelievable and remarkable that in this particular moment- I felt safe.

As I’m kneeling behind the trash cans I observed my surroundings. I must have passed at least a dozen alleys and I clearly picked the darkest one I could find. On the left of the brick building wall was a dim lantern light. It barely gave off any sort of light, but it was enough to see. There were big water puddles everywhere. Against the building on the left were a couple of dumpsters, adjacent to them were empty cardboard boxes and a very big pile of metal pipes. Some of the pipes were very long and some short, others were thicker while some were thin.

The alley was long and dark; it resembled something out of a scary movie. There was water dripping from the fire escapes. It was dark and the wind seemed to echo. Along with the buildings on the left and right of me were fire escapes; There wasn’t a trace of light emerging from anywhere. Broken glass grounded my feet. The broken glass came from several of the windows on the building. They were probably old apartment buildings.

Someone’s footsteps came to an abrupt halt for about a minute. Then they began again and grew louder with each step. Tip tap, tip tap. The footsteps were slow and it was the most terrifying sound anyone could hear in this moment. They stopped. He walked across the alley and bent down. Some metal clinked and clanked. He picked up a very big metal pipe, and then he slowly stood up straight and proceeded to walk slowly toward me. Tip tap, tip tap.

I glanced down at the gun I was holding and started to think. Do I have it in me? This man was about to beat me to death. It was an obvious decision, but I was shaking so badly my heart felt like it was about to rip through my chest. It was so loud I thought he heard it. I watched through the trashcans and saw him walking slowly towards me. How does he know I came down this alley? I passed at least a dozen of them. He was about a hundred feet away from me.

His face was so visible to me; his piercing blue eyes were wild. His stature looked increasingly larger than normal. He had the ugliest grin on his face. His mouth was curled into an evil concocted smile. It was the face of a killer and I knew my number was up. The feeling of safety quickly dissipated. He walked about another fifty feet and stopped by the empty cardboard boxes alongside the dumpster. He then began twirling and spinning the metal pipe. His muscular arms did it quickly and violently.

He stopped and smiled like an animal about to attack its prey. He tilted his head and looked in my direction. Oh no, he sees me. That’s all I could think. He laughed a low giggle and stepped back. This gesture confused me. Why is he backing up? Does he think I’m still running? What is he doing? He’s playing mind games I know it; he’s trying to scare me. I was trying to rationalize with myself.

“Oh Annie, you’re quite the runner” my attacker said and he continued to speak.

“Why don’t you save yourself the agonizing minutes of torture of whether I’m going to find you or not, and just come out? I know that you know I am going to find you.” He said very confidently.

What do I do? Should I try to bolt? Do I stay here? Do I force myself to shoot him? Do I come out and try to reason, if I do will he listen? Questioning myself wasn’t making me feel much better and it certainly wasn’t helping. I have to kill him. It was the only way. I looked up and he was at least ten feet closer. My heart stopped and I clenched the gun harder. My hands were so sweaty and clammy. He shook his head disapprovingly and took a few steps towards me.

Suddenly, I jumped up. It was a reflex reaction. We were in visual range of one another. I looked at him and saw the surprise in his face. Maybe he didn’t know where I was and he was bluffing. He looks too surprised. His smile returned. It occurred to me that I just handed myself to him on a silver platter. He took a few more steps towards me. His pace was much quicker; it was like a jogger about to jet off. Then I drew the gun and pointed it violently and sternly towards him. He stopped for one moment and one moment only. He looked at me with delighted surprise. I eased a little and then suddenly he lunged at me.

You taste like peace with a hint of devastation.
You sound like innocence on top of your cruelty.
The kindness is a façade while the devil dwells within-
Roaming your halls like an old friend who feels welcomed.
Tearing down whatever walls of goodness are left,
Ensuring your body and soul are encased in a hell of its own.
A hell where destruction is all you know, while you smile radiantly,
Speak with your silk tongue and soothing voice,
Until it's too late to finally meet the devil behind the mask.

I see the couple sitting there,
In silence-
They only speak up when yelling.
Yet, they hold hands and spend bounds of time with one another.
Is that what love is,
Or do you whisper sweet nothings to one another before you close your eyes.
Do you ever tell one another how much you adore one another,
Or is it simply that the nightly embrace is comfort enough to reassure a love long lost?

The thing about being in love is it hits you like a drug.
That person becomes such an integral part of your life,
The very peace you breathe in,
Making you feel untouchable-
On top of the world.
You never realize how much you crave the presence of that person until they're gone.
Now all you're left with is true pain,
Pain that leaves you with a gaping hole inside,
Pain that leaves you giving up on everything,
Pushing everyone away
Without your conscience consent.
Leaving you feeling-
Empty and lost..

This is a bit unfinished, but I'm sharing it anyway.


I've been on this merry-go-round before-
The end result always stays the same,
Abandoned and alone.

I lay here each night with you in mind.
I lay here each night trying to not let the past burn me alive,
My memories scorch me in ways I never knew possible,
My memories taunt me in a new way that haunt my dreams.
Dreams that concoct their own reality of my very worst fears.
Dreams that should make this easier.
Dreams that make moving on impossible.
Dreams that make me see that even now, you're still all I see no matter how hard I try to face the reality.

Dreams are meant to be a world of escape
A world that releases you from your daily torment-
A world where, even for a little while,
You can be anywhere and do anything.
My dreams are not sweet escapes
Rather a world where the torment only follows
I bare the pain and betrayal in my consciousness
I face it in my sleep-
A place that's supposed to be nothing but sweet release,
Has become twisted and doomed.
How am I supposed to move on when you haunt my dreams with the very lies I've discovered?
I see the truth in my dreams,
I feel my heart ache for you,
Even in my dreams you're no longer mine.

The cool wind effortlessly moves about with whimsical delicacy.
Forcing the cascading leaves to dance through the air with beauty and grace.
The cool wind turns frigid,
Turning the cool breezes into sensations of frozen knives.
The dancing leaves no longer whimsical
Rather,
Panicked and fleeing from the inevitable seasons turn.
A once calm, vibrant, colorful forest,
Temporarily turned, dark, hallow, and harsh
Undoubtedly awaiting the next seasons turn.

The soul bellows inside its human encasing,
Writhing in agony at the decisions of the heart and the mind,
The soul used to watch as the heart and the mind battled it out over their false notions of love,
Leaving the heart sad and the mind to grow wiser.
The soul has even seen the heart begin to shatter, and still it lay dormant and only whispered,
"This is not the one to be hurt over."
And still the heart shattered, knowing the souls truth.
This time,
The heart is keeping quiet- afraid to speak up,
The mind is thinking
Making the decisions as the heart helplessly agrees,
The soul chimes in where it never does, wailing
Causing a new confusion,
Bellowing in agony deep inside its human thoracic cavity,
Trying to convince the mind and heart not to be so blind, not to give up that this is who they're waiting for.
The bellowing is so deep,
So raw,
So loud,
The soul can't understand why no one hears its pleas.
The soul wants to be ripped out of its human prison to race to its home.
The mind and the heart sit in a wallowing coldness,
Listening to the souls pleas,
Unable to mute the cries.

A writers mind is like a black hole.
Dark,
Twisted,
Gruesome,
Swirling with chaos and doubt,
We fight for our daily lives-
But corner it for our art.
It's filled with emotion, pain, and thoughts others won't dare express.
Every indiscretion tackles the mind,
Haunts and hides in the deepest crevices of our brains-
Waiting and lingering to sneak up on us
To inspire us or destroy us,
Threatening that black hole to swallow us whole.