The truth I hold inside

If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.
I can still feel the excitement of you walking into the kitchen and grabbing my face to kiss me.
Nothing extraordinary about that moment other than a moment of pure undiluted love.
I can still feel the butterflies I get every time you looked at me in that way that you do and how your voice sounds when you tell me you love me.
I can still feel the abrupt nervousness I would get when you spoke about marriage and children.
Oh, how I wanted that life.
I can still see that adorable look you gave me when you hurt your arm and I was taking care of you.
I can feel the absence of you like I'm missing a limb.
I can feel the pain of missing you in every molecule of my being.
You're forever etched into my brain that no amount of shaking will erase.
If all I have is the memory of the grandest love and the grandest loss, then what was it all for?
Am I sorely mistaken on what's transpired?
If so, please come correct me because...
If all I have is the memory of you then I'm not sure I want it.

Cookies

This is one of my new favorites. It made me laugh. That senseless dream was of dinosuars. I think I was being hunted by a T-Rex.

Just know when you're dead asleep in the night,
Having a senseless dream of a land of make believe
When you wake up with that sharp pain in your stomach,
Pain that let's you know to trust your gut,
Just know it's becuase...

You ate too many cookies.

You don't understand
A way of life that is hard to navigate.
You don't understand
What it means to tip-toe in all aspects.
You don't understand how to navigate the life I've been dealt.
It's easy to talk when you don't suffer the same complications.
It's easy to talk when life hasn't thrown these obstacles at you.
I'll smile and nod along.
I let you talk.
But-
You don't understand what it is to be me.

This poem came about because a friend read my stardust poem and thought I wrote starburst. As a challenge to myself, I wanted to write something pertaining to starburst as a metaphor if you will.

As we walk through life, we come across many kinds of people.
We come across many kinds of cultures.
The beauty, love and traditions are the colors of life,
And the people are the flavors,
Just like starburts,
We're all beautiful and unique
With something special to share with all.

Because of you

I think of the times we would sit by the beach and talk.
I think of the times we would hold one another close.
The shared passion and endless smiles. The joy and love that felt like home. You were a person I never thought I'd find. You were the love of my life and I was done. I was done searching, I was so happy, so content. I felt like the luckiest girl to have the best love of all. But it was all a mirage, a dark twisted lie. You gave your love away like lollipops. You treated my love like  a replaceable battery. I miss you, admittedly and I don't know why. I still can't believe how deeply you've wounded me. How deeply your betrayal has affected me. Because of you I'm afraid to let anyone in. Because of you, I'm afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Because of you, I no longer trust myself.

I never say the right thing.
Opportunities present themselves and I let them pass.
They pass right by as I stay quiet while I calculate all my possible responses.
I have so much to say.
So much to say to you.
Yet, I don't know how to articulate them.
I just have a knack for saying the wrong thing.
Instead, what I'm fearing is I'm not giving you what you need-
Acknowledgment, honesty, and my opinion.
When will I ever get it right?
I hear all of what you say,
My silence isn't disinterest,
I'm very interested, I care...
More than you'll ever know.
I want you to thrive,
I want you to soar,
I want you to have everything you could ever want.
I want you.

Do you know what it's like to lie awake at night?
Unable to do something that is so natural to us.
Lying in the dark as your mind swirls,
Having a night of self-reflection doesn't bode well for a tired body-
A tired mind.
Worrying over frivoulous matters,
Worrying over things that matter,
Worrying over everything.
Yet, in the same breath, you could care less.
Lack of sleep can do that to you,
Alter you rmind,
Turn it against you,
Making you your own worst enemy.

Sleepless World

Heavy eyes,
Going through each day with forced smiles,
Forced energy.
A sleepless world-
Swirling around a drain,
Going with the motion of the tide,
Fighting the current-
Ending up with even heavier eyes and a maladjusted mind.

I'm told I'm too young to not want to see anyone.
Too young to want to be alone.
Too young to dislike people and social gatherings.
But-
I was too young when the disappointment began,
I was too young to be hurt the way I was.
I was too young, too trusting,
I was betrayed by all, left alone
The rest, I let go.
No longer do I trust,
No longer will I try to make small talk
Or put in the extra effort.
You either show me you care
Or I walk.
It's a simple thing many fail to realize.

Hello! I have not abandoneed my page, I promise; everything has been hectic with me being back in school. I have some new verses/poems I've been playing around with. A lot of them derive from fleeting thoughts in a moment that drive an emotion, even if it's brief. Usually I just focus on that emotion and dig deeper into it, it's a form of self-reflection, reflecting on the past, or it's based on a character in a story I'm putting together. Feel free to check them out. Thanks for reading !


My eyes still search for you
As if to prove the eviction of you from my soul.
To prove to myself that you didn't affect me.
When the truth inside is clear as day.
I can't evict what changed the very nature of who I am,
My world darkened,
Turning soft edges into rigid corners,
A trusting soul twisted into something that questions everything.
My eyes still search for you
To prove you no longer have a hold on me,
The very person who saved and destroyed me all the same,
The person who showed me a future only to tear it away.
My eyes still search for you,
Only to have proof of what I already know.

I live a quiet life,
No baggage, no hassles,
Just work, sleep, repeat.
Some days I feel pretty transparent
And not in the name of honesty.
I live, work and breathe, the same as everybody else,
Yet-
Anything I say or feel goes pretty unnoticed or looked right over like the hood of a car.
Why voice it?
I see no need,
To speak and grasp at the straws of communication as though it's my life's only need.
My words, thoughts and feelings remain solely my own-
No one to bluntly share or unburden my soul to-
Even just for the briefest of moments- my lips remain still.