Because of you

I think of the times we would sit by the beach and talk.
I think of the times we would hold one another close.
The shared passion and endless smiles. The joy and love that felt like home. You were a person I never thought I'd find. You were the love of my life and I was done. I was done searching, I was so happy, so content. I felt like the luckiest girl to have the best love of all. But it was all a mirage, a dark twisted lie. You gave your love away like lollipops. You treated my love like  a replaceable battery. I miss you, admittedly and I don't know why. I still can't believe how deeply you've wounded me. How deeply your betrayal has affected me. Because of you I'm afraid to let anyone in. Because of you, I'm afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Because of you, I no longer trust myself.

The eyes I look through are tainted.
Tainted by all the lies and deceit.
Tainted by all the chaos that ensues all around.
Sure, we're all alive
But are any of us truly living?
Bobbing and weaving the muck of agony.
Bobbing and weaving the seas of disappointment,
Hoping not to drown in the despair of what we call life. 

Excerpt #5 and #6--Short Story-- The Relished Touch

Heyy!! I know, I'm really bad at my own homework I have assigned to myself. Sorry!!

It seems I have left every hanging for a couple of weeks and have the next two continuations here.

Enjoy!

And as always I will post the links in chronological order if you wanted to catch up.

Links in order:

http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/2016/11/excerpt1-from-short-story-relished-touch.html

http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/2016/11/hey-so-im-day-late-it-seems.html

http://sleeplesscomposer.blogspot.com/2016/11/excerpt-3-and-4-short-story-relished.html
     

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              “Mr. Clark, I hope you’re enjoying the view?” She came in delighted and upbeat. She rotated his bed to face the television that she had left on. She pushed various meds through his intravenous line and started his food bag. He rotated his eyes to try to get any chance of a view on her. She looked perplexed as she wrote in his chart. She looked up and smiled a brilliant, white smile. “Hey, you know what. Let’s devise a way of communication. “She said chirpily.

Okay, Shelly. You’re cute and all but seriously? What the fuck am I going to do, wave my eyeballs? If I could scoff I would be scoffing right now.

              “Okay, since all that seems to move is your eyes, I’ll ask basic questions and you can move them left to right once for yes’ and twice for no’s. It’s not much of a system but it might make you a little more comfortable. “She thought this was very clever and since she has picked up from others conversation and comments no one has acknowledged this man in years. They were afraid of him and perturbed by him.

Fine, but I want you to scratch every inch of me. I’m itchy. I’ve been itchy for nine years. Scratch me, damn it! Shower time does not cut it. Also, put on ID Discovery Channel. I want to watch that. You put this foofy crap on. Adam Sandler is not funny. How is golf and hockey alike? It’s not. Something about Shelly made him want to air all his complaints. He saw her as a way to meet death in peace. She flipped through his chart again and was concentrating.

“Hmm, so let’s see. Are you in a lot of pain?” Shelly asked with grave concern.

Shelly, ask me if I’m itchy. Please. He moved his eyes back and forth twice.

She let out a sigh of relief. “Good. The meds are helping you then.”  As she was thinking of her next question she scratched her hand. She was scratching and scratching. Then she stopped and looked at David with a coy smile. “Mr. Clark, are you itchy?” If his eyeballs could have exploded with excitement, they would have when he heard her question. He tried to contain his eyeballs and focused very hard on moving them once. She smiled. “Okay, now to find out where. Nose?” He moved his eyes once. She leaned over and scratched his nose and he relished in every moment of it. She stopped and then stood up. She took a stethoscope and blood pressure band and began check his blood pressure. She jotted in his chart again. “You’re being set for your quarterly MRI of your spine in a couple of hours. The doctor doesn’t think they’ll be much difference but you never can tell how someone’s body will heal. In this field, you quickly learn it’s not the same, healing wise, for everyone.” She sounded optimistic for him. He could tell she hoped for some improvement, even if it was just so he can move his neck and maybe talk.

Scratch me again, please. His mind pleaded. He wanted to sing, he wanted to laugh. He was in a tomb of fixed silence. His enemies had provided the most precise shot that landed him in this now useless casing of a body. And all he wanted in this very moment was to be scratched. Hell, he wanted to feel a human touch.           

The thing about being in love is it hits you like a drug.
That person becomes such an integral part of your life,
The very peace you breathe in,
Making you feel untouchable-
On top of the world.
You never realize how much you crave the presence of that person until they're gone.
Now all you're left with is true pain,
Pain that leaves you with a gaping hole inside,
Pain that leaves you giving up on everything,
Pushing everyone away
Without your conscience consent.
Leaving you feeling-
Empty and lost..

Dreams are meant to be a world of escape
A world that releases you from your daily torment-
A world where, even for a little while,
You can be anywhere and do anything.
My dreams are not sweet escapes
Rather a world where the torment only follows
I bare the pain and betrayal in my consciousness
I face it in my sleep-
A place that's supposed to be nothing but sweet release,
Has become twisted and doomed.
How am I supposed to move on when you haunt my dreams with the very lies I've discovered?
I see the truth in my dreams,
I feel my heart ache for you,
Even in my dreams you're no longer mine.

The soul bellows inside its human encasing,
Writhing in agony at the decisions of the heart and the mind,
The soul used to watch as the heart and the mind battled it out over their false notions of love,
Leaving the heart sad and the mind to grow wiser.
The soul has even seen the heart begin to shatter, and still it lay dormant and only whispered,
"This is not the one to be hurt over."
And still the heart shattered, knowing the souls truth.
This time,
The heart is keeping quiet- afraid to speak up,
The mind is thinking
Making the decisions as the heart helplessly agrees,
The soul chimes in where it never does, wailing
Causing a new confusion,
Bellowing in agony deep inside its human thoracic cavity,
Trying to convince the mind and heart not to be so blind, not to give up that this is who they're waiting for.
The bellowing is so deep,
So raw,
So loud,
The soul can't understand why no one hears its pleas.
The soul wants to be ripped out of its human prison to race to its home.
The mind and the heart sit in a wallowing coldness,
Listening to the souls pleas,
Unable to mute the cries.

A writers mind is like a black hole.
Dark,
Twisted,
Gruesome,
Swirling with chaos and doubt,
We fight for our daily lives-
But corner it for our art.
It's filled with emotion, pain, and thoughts others won't dare express.
Every indiscretion tackles the mind,
Haunts and hides in the deepest crevices of our brains-
Waiting and lingering to sneak up on us
To inspire us or destroy us,
Threatening that black hole to swallow us whole.

She walked to the cliff's edge-
Crumbled to her knees.
She looked up to the moon,
With tears in her eyes-
She sucked in a sharp breath of cold air as she pleaded to the stars.

I need to stop being a bleeding heart-
A bleeding heart has never saved anyone-
..Only killed them.

Numbness is meant to mask everything
I wear mine as a shield.
I conquer my numbness with a smile,
With every slap to the face
I just stand up and smirk at the monsters in their face.
They try to break me,
Every monstrous thought-
Pulls painful breaths from me,
I shake my head and redirect my brain.
Still-
They linger on,
Taunting,
Twirling,
Trying to shatter me.
Finding painful tears,
I swallow those and force a smile.
What these monsters haven't learned is,
I've been hollowed out-
There's nothing left to break,
All the light left in my heart has been obliterated,
Turned to dust.
I've become numb and I rule the darkness.
So, I say to these monsters,
Bring it on,
Try to find something to break,
You're going to lose.

That limbo before you fall asleep-
But you're not quite awake,
Where you cease to exist for a moment,
Before you slip into the subconscious reality of your mind,
Yet, there's a deafening silence of the outside world around you,
You feel nothing,
You hear nothing,
You see nothing,
Dreams have not come yet
But consciousness slips you,
That's where I was when the phone rang,
For a moment I ceased to exist.

I drown myself in the words that others have written-
I let every sentence and syllable paint its picture.
I let the world that doesn't exist run through my mind like a movie,
Learning the characters,
Rooting for them,
Hoping it ends well for them.
Accepting every truth that the authors hide in their false worlds.

My heart was already broken-
Shattered to pieces.
It's been sewn back together with the finest thread,
Unable to break again.
All that will happen is the thread comes undone
Letting the broken pieces cascade down to their dormant seats.
My heart was already broken
Which means, you cannot break me
Only untangle me.

The pain subsided.
The memories no longer invade like an unwavering assault on the mind.
The taste of your name is no longer sweet in my mouth,
But rather something foul that should not be spoken.
Hind sight was gained.
It made me see all the things that I had missed,
All the warning signs suggesting danger ahead,
All this pain could've been avoided if I paid closer attention,
If only I had read your actions over the words you spewed,
I could have started my life with my future wife sooner-
But, it had to happen like that.
It had to happen the way it did,
She and I weren't ready then,
She and I watched, learned, and grew together like and undeniable force-
All the while I still tried to make this work with you,
You are what had to destroy me to bring her to me.
The pain finally subsided-
The destruction caused was meant to happen,
So she and I could pave a path,
A path that has so much promise for a life of happiness.

Home-
Home is where you go to at the end of a long day.
Home is where you feel the safest.
Home is where you're free to share and express who you really are on the inside.
Home is where you find your sanity in this crazy world.
Home is where you bare your soul.
My home is not a house.
My house is just a shelter.
My home is a person.
A person that when I look at her, I feel like I'm home and that person is specifically for me.
A person who makes me feel so calm, happy and loved on a daily basis.
My home is in your arms.
My home is in your heart.
It is you-
You are my home.

Promises, promises-
We all make them.
We all mean them.
We all break them.

You

As I lay here in bed I'm thinking of all the wonderful things.
I'm thinking about the love and laughter,
The affection and conversations,
All of the glances and stolen kisses.
The warmth of your touch,
The smile you share everytime our eyes meet.
The promise of tomorrow and everyday there after.
As I lay here in bed I'm thinking of how I have no worries
The pure contentment felt that is undeniably exquisite
All the time spent together is not time wasted
It is time spent by lovers, two friends yearning for endless days and endless nights
As I lay here in bed I'm thinking of all the wonderful things
The wonderful spirit that is you.

Painted Walls

You painted the walls with such beauty and care
Everyone would stop and stare in awe.
It's the kind of beauty that makes you want to step closer and take a finer look-
Then something strange happens.
What happened-
You see the imperfections and admire the painted walls
You notice something else-
The imperfections from before are darker, seeping through the mirage before you.
You start to scrap the layers
What you find is almost menacing.
It's an image of bitterness, cruelty and spite.
Oh, how you painted the walls with such beauty and care
Making one mistake,
You needed another coat to cover what you wanted buried inside.

There are days I have no words.
Moments where my loud effervescent mind is still.
It runs into a wall of glue-
Stuck-
No thoughts or words.
Just stillness.
Processing-
In the mind surrounded by words-
So many words
It comes to a halt.
It feels like no words exist or have ever existed-
Forgetting how to form a sentence.
Forgetting how to speak.

It's deafening-
The silence.
It's like being in a large field,
With nothing but empty land in all directions.
I shout out to you
But it's unheard.
I try to move forward and catch up to you,
But I'm tangled in the weeds and I fall far behind.
I shout out again and again.
"Wait! Wait! I love you!"
Still, you move forward
While I remain tangled in the weeds
Yearning to be heard.
Wanting for you to come back.
I'm left alone in a tangled nightmare-
Trying not to strangle myself in the tightly wrapped
All consuming vines.