Tuesday, May 15, 2018

The eyes I look through are tainted.
Tainted by all the lies and deceit.
Tainted by all the chaos that ensues all around.
Sure, we're all alive
But are any of us truly living?
Bobbing and weaving the muck of agony.
Bobbing and weaving the seas of disappointment,
Hoping not to drown in the despair of what we call life. 

Monday, May 7, 2018

Having that internal battle of what you know is best vs what you think you want.
Having those thoughts that bounce back and forth like a ping pong ball.
Questioning the fairness of life,
Questioning all of life's logic,
Questioning the now.
Will things ever work out the way I'd like, just once?
Circling these thoughts and shoving them into a box.
The box of the unknown.
The box of repression.
Forget all the sourness of life.
Powering through and moving forward.
For if I don't-
Then the unpleasant beast will skulk around,
The beast that is fed by over thinking.
The beast that beats down any semblance of self.
Shove the thoughts back in the box.
Lock it up nice and tight.
Now, lay your head down to rest. 
The creative lake in which I dip my feet is empty.
No muse or inspiration,
Life is trying to ground me,
Making room growth,
Trying to recenter oneself and seek peace.
Separation from others is vital,
All creative spark stripped away by burdens of life,
Stressors of life,
Realizing I'm too real for the real world.
People ask for truth, but that's not what they seek,
People want to stroke their ego instead of finding peace.
The air choking me
Water threatening to surface behind my eyes
Anger heating its way up and through my body
Not even a chance a smile will cross this face
It's not jealousy
But a new wave of disbelief.
I'm trying to figure out who's the bigger fool,
Is it you or can it be me? 
Sometimes all it takes is seeing something.
Something real and right in front of you in order to believe it.
You can no longer lie to yourself.
You can no longer pretend that you were something special.
That you were the difference a person needed.
The fact just walked through the door and paraded around in your face.
A harsh lesson of just because someone is special to you doesn't mean you're special to them.
Yet, you wait for the parade to end.
Like a hopeless fool.
I'm told I'm too young to not want to see anyone.
Too young to want to be alone.
Too young to dislike people and social gatherings.
I was too young when the disappointment began,
I was too young to be hurt the way I was.
I was too young, too trusting,
I was betrayed by all, left alone
The rest, I let go.
No longer do I trust,
No longer will I try to make small talk
Or put in the extra effort.
You either show me you care
Or I walk.
It's a simple thing many fail to realize.
This was a moment's flutter.
Thinking of you brought the flutter of oddity to my attention.
A flutter that told me of my disappointment.
A flutter that reminded me,
You cannot break what's already broken.
A flutter that reminds me that I need to be more cautious with what's not broken.
A faint reminder of what it meant to ache.
How is it you came to be,
So involved,
So "in love",
So bound together?
How can you tolerate being beckoned fo rhis every whim?
Why do you allow it?
From what I know of you both there are no similarites in character.
What makes you stay together?
From a perspecrive of someone who's tried and failed,
I'm curious as to how yours works,
It seems almost like an abomination,
Destruction of what women have worked for,
She does nothing for herself here, at home, where she lives,
Yet, he asks and you run.
Why is that?
How does that happen?
Memories that haunt.
Memories that taunt.
If only it were as simple as one, two, three
Poof, they're gone.
Nope, it's still there.
Running ramped-
Showing me things I wish I could forget.
If I were honest I'd tell you I'm afraid.
Afraid of you and the possibilities,
Afraid if I open up and share that everything will disappear.
My track record is proof of that.
Am I too real for people?
I'm not a carefree soul who has yet to be tarnished and broken down.
I've been down before,
More times than I'd care to count,
My soul has weeped,
Mind stretched too thin,
Nerves have been frayed to their last strand.
If I bare all of that- why would you stay?
I'm too young to be this tarnished,
Like a polished, vintage chair-
People say it adds character
I say it's delicate, that if you sit in it, it'll break.
It used to be as strong as the mighty oak, able to carry everything it held,
but- no longer, as anything that becomes antique you must care for it properly or watch it, slowly, but surely, wither away.
If I were honest, you'd discover that there's a lot of history my smiles have chosen to hide.
Hello! I have not abandoneed my page, I promise; everything has been hectic with me being back in school. I have some new verses/poems I've been playing around with. A lot of them derive from fleeting thoughts in a moment that drive an emotion, even if it's brief. Usually I just focus on that emotion and dig deeper into it, it's a form of self-reflection, reflecting on the past, or it's based on a character in a story I'm putting together. Feel free to check them out. Thanks for reading !

My eyes still search for you
As if to prove the eviction of you from my soul.
To prove to myself that you didn't affect me.
When the truth inside is clear as day.
I can't evict what changed the very nature of who I am,
My world darkened,
Turning soft edges into rigid corners,
A trusting soul twisted into something that questions everything.
My eyes still search for you
To prove you no longer have a hold on me,
The very person who saved and destroyed me all the same,
The person who showed me a future only to tear it away.
My eyes still search for you,
Only to have proof of what I already know.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

I live a quiet life,
No baggage, no hassles,
Just work, sleep, repeat.
Some days I feel pretty transparent
And not in the name of honesty.
I live, work and breathe, the same as everybody else,
Anything I say or feel goes pretty unnoticed or looked right over like the hood of a car.
Why voice it?
I see no need,
To speak and grasp at the straws of communication as though it's my life's only need.
My words, thoughts and feelings remain solely my own-
No one to bluntly share or unburden my soul to-
Even just for the briefest of moments- my lips remain still. 

Saturday, September 23, 2017

She's quiet.
She's discrete.
Afraid to get too close,
For everything falls to pieces.
The words 'I love you' were uttered time and time again,
Yet, they fail to exude meaning.
You love to love, love
Without ever knowing what love really is.
The emptiness of your words were so vast that they had me searching for their meaning,
It was never found,
Just a pool of emptiness at my feet.